Inspiration

Inspiration is for amateurs.

Difficulty with Emoticons

I was reading a comment on something awhile ago and realized I have great difficulty with emoticons. It can be an emoticon of any sort whether it's on a message board where you have a list of various smiley faces from which to choose or the typewritten ones like :). I hate them. I'm fine with receiving them, but I don't feel comfortable using them, even to my detriment. I don't know why; I just can't bring myself to use them. They are used to provide a tone in which the message is meant. Like if someone is being sarcastic, they might type ;) or whatever. For whatever reason, I would rather the message be misunderstood than use an emoticon.

Essentially, I'm trying to find a deeper psychological reason as to why I don't like them. Naturally, I actually am a relatively emotional person. I'm very feeling oriented. It's not that I'm not comfortable with my emotions. Do I freely communicate my emotions? Possibly not. Half the time I may not understand what I'm feeling anyway. I also know that emotions have their limitations. They shouldn't be depended upon because they are superficial and temporary; however, not expressing them does lead to a myriad of problems. I don't know if I'm truly emotionally wise or healthy. I'm not emoticonally healthy. That I do know.

It's Been Awhile, Vol. 1

I have a feeling there will be many times in the future when I will not have blogged for a long time. That is why I have the Volume 1 in the title. It's been so long since I've blogged I forgot what to log in with. I think I would have blogged more often if I had something to blog about. My life right now is so dull, you could fall asleep right now just reading this post.

My elbow is still healing. I have had full range of motion and 100% sensation for a long time. The worst part about my elbow now is the scar. It itches. My skin has been freakishly sensitive ever since my surgery. I don't know if it is due to my immune system or what. Okay, my skin has always been somewhat sensitive, but weird things are happening which haven't happened before. For about 2-3 years, I'd been getting acrylic nails on my right hand for better tone picking the guitar. My first time back after the surgery, my skin all around my nails itched really badly. My manicurist and I thought I may have been allergic to the primer, and
she didn't apply it. My skin was worse. I had to go to the dermatologist to get some special cream because my skin is allergic to the petroleum used in most ointments and lotions. I'm back to my naturally thin nails and a crappy tone when I pluck the strings with my fingers.

Oh, my mother won an iPod nano. It's hysterical because she doesn't know how to change the clocks at her house. Now I get to explain how to use an iPod. Initially, she was planning to give it to one of my nephews (one of her grandchildren). I had to explain to her that this was too expensive an item to give away and remain fair to the others. I also had to explain what 30 Gb meant and teach her how to pronounce nano. Due to her Preferred Card, she was unknowingly entered into a competition when she purchased some pimento cheese spread at Albertsons. She bought the cheese spread for sandwiches for Vacation Bible School at our church. I'm glad she was rewarded for a good deed, but I dread teaching her how to work that thing when she can't properly operate her cellphone.

It's late. I'm tired. Go Cowboys! Goodnight.

I Am A Boo Boo

Awhile back, I befriended a singer, whom I believe to be quite charismatic. Whenever we would go anywhere, people would treat us as if she were more important, the star of the show. I was like the sidekick, the best friend. This is not unusual for me at all. In fact, it happens far too often. In high school, I felt practically invisible. It isn't that I lack confidence or talent. I'm not ugly. I just tend not to attract much attention.

I am fascinated and amused by personality tests of any sort, whether they are accurate or not. I have found out which Muppet character I am, what type of soda most characterizes me, what my taste in colors says about me, how emo I am, and many other things. One day while observing my singer friend, I decided I am a Boo Boo Bear.

Boo Boo, Yogi Bear's loyal best friend, is short and kind of geeky. He's friendly, mild mannered and shy. Boo Boo seems harmless, non-threatening. It's hard not to like him. (His voice annoys me a bit, though.) Despite his apparent innocence, he is Yogi's partner in crime, which means he has a bit of a dark streak to him, and I can appreciate that. I have a hard time trusting seemingly perfectly innocuous people, and they are rather boring.

I have no problem with my status as the lovable sidekick, but I'm a performer. I have satisfactory musical ability (when I'm able-see previous post). I never have figured out what makes a person charismatic. I've tried to observe and study it. There is often a certain amount of energy some charismatic people seem to have that I lack. I sometimes feel as if I live on the equivalent of the "energy saver" option on a dishwasher. Not all performers have that kind of energy though. They are generally the more emotional, introspective kind of people, which I may assimilate. Due to my laid-back style, I tend to be more background rather than a featured musician. Which reminds me, the Muppet I most closely resemble is Rowlf the Dog. Maybe I need to take up jazz.

The Not So Funny Bone

In May I was practicing on my acoustic guitar more than usual. I was booked to play at a wedding May 27, and I was to play for both communion elements at my church June 3. A few days before the wedding, I noticed something was wrong with my left hand. I felt some numbness in my ring and pinky fingers, and due to the numbness, it was harder to control those fingers. I was also having hand strength issues particularly holding down my index finger for barre chords. After those two performances, I saw a hand specialist in early June who had me take a test called an EMG, an electromyogram, and that test revealed that I had Cubital Tunnel Syndrome. Essentially, my ulnar nerve was pinched just above my elbow. In addition to the numbness, this condition also caused neurogenic muscle atrophy. Muscles in my left hand were deteriorating. After discussing this with a few doctors, we decided surgery was necessary.

I had the surgery in early July. The doctor initially told my husband and I that the nerve was entrapped by an unexpected extra muscle structure in my upper arm. Later he informed me it wasn't an extra muscle but that my tricep muscle had extended further down my arm than usual and was pinching the nerve. He moved the nerve over. Now my funny bone is on the side of my elbow instead of where it would normally be.

A week or two after the surgery, I began physical therapy. It was there I learned I am recovering extremely quickly. The physical therapist did a series of tests to evaluate the condition of my elbow. Two weeks after the surgery, I had full sensation back in my hand and fingers. I had actually noticed the day after the surgery that the numbness was gone, and she told me it normally takes months for people to get the feeling back in their hand. She also tested my range of motion, and it was only 10 degrees shy of full range of motion.

My biggest concern is hand strength. When I found out some of the muscle atrophy was permanent, I freaked out. My biggest fear was (and still is) that I wouldn't be able play the more advanced guitar literature that I enjoy playing. Rather than obsessing over the issue, I determined I would regain the most strength possible and decide what to do then.

Right now, I can't do much to help increase my strength because I'm not supposed to do much until the nerve has completely healed, which will take awhile. The only treatment for the nerve is rest. I was told to limit my guitar playing to 15 minutes a day. I spend most of those minutes in guitar lessons helping my students.

I don't generally think everything happens for a reason. These things just happen. Rather than having a grand master plan for me, I think God will help me learn whatever I can from this experience, and He will lead me in whatever direction I am aware enough to recognize. I never thought patience was something I needed to work on. I am having to practice the discipline of inaction. It's an interesting thing to have to work on. I never fully realized that I tend to be rather impulsive. I'm generally a laid back individual. I would go so far as to say I'm lazy. However, if I have a concern of any kind whether it is a craving, stirring, an urge, or anxiety, I try to fix it as soon as possible. If I feel like doing something, I do it and get it over with. I want to return to my normal state of emotional contentment as quickly as possible. I'm itching to play the music I want to play again, music which abstractly expresses my emotions, and the first step to reach that goal is resting. Ironic.